These thoughts have been swirling around in my brain, and they don't make me feel good. They make me upset and riled up. So I'm finally dumping them out here because it's my blog and I can =) I don't do a lot of ranting, but we need to hear this, and I needed to say it.
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Even before our sweet babe comes, sealing my role as a mama forever, I find myself in the midst of the mommy wars. Sometimes even with people who are not mommies. ----------
if you Google 'mommy wars', thousands of articles about
breastfeeding
working outside the home
staying at home
working at home
vaccines
will pop up.
It seems that once people see your baby bump, they ask a few questions (The nice ones being: How far along are you? Do you know what you're having? Where are you delivering?' The not so nice ones have their own post coming=) ) and then there are a few options.
Option one: they give you advice.
Option two: they tell you the worst thing that they've ever heard of happening to someone in labor.
Option three: they ask a seemingly innocuous question and then offer their opinion or view of you if your opinion differs.
The advice? I can take or leave. The stories? I can laugh off later and know that chances are I won't have a similar experience. The judgy opinion of me making a choice for my family? That one is hard to swallow.
It seems like everything is up for judging by everyone. All things on the list above have been addressed to me, and I've also gotten pursed lips and squinty eyed looks for:
hoping to have a medicine free birth
being open to an drugs, including an epidural
being open to a necessary c-section
not having a long written out birth plan
delivering in a hospital
being open to an episiotomy
hoping to exclusively breast feed
being open to formula feeding
hoping to make my own baby food
cloth diapering
disposable diapering
Friends, let's not judge. Let's not make others feel less than. Let's only share our experiences (and especially only if they're good) and not our projections of what is good. These aren't lofty things I say - they're things I do all the time. But since being on the receiving end of it, I'm changing what I share.
See, I haven't often been on the receiving end. I'm really, really good at being with people. Too many times being with people has meant squishing a little bit of me so I more closely match them. Oof, that felt gross just writing it. Thing is, I'm going to be a mama to someone. I want them to see the beauty in both the grey area, and to embrace a few black & whites. And that means I will have to stop squishing.
I do hope to have a medicine free birth; however, I am totally open to things that are situationally necessary for delivering a healthy baby. Those things include drugs, a c-section, and an episiotomy. I don't have a choice on where we are delivering. We see an infertility specialist, and they deliver at one hospital. I feel SO blessed to be able to deliver in this particular hospital - their nurses are stellar, I have access to a tub/birthing balls/birthing bars/etc., but most importantly, excellent medical care for me and my baby. I hope to exclusively breastfeed until baby is a year old. However, I am also open to the possibility that it simply. won't. work. Because sometimes it doesn't, and I refuse to put that pressure on myself and our new family. I will be working from home. I will be choosing which vaccines our child receives, but they will get some. I will puree and freeze solid food for baby, but am so not above Goldfish crackers and mac&cheese.
These are my plans. They are good ones because they are not set in stone and unshakeable. I am open to different plans, which is good, because in the end I don't make them.
For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the LORD,
“plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.
-jeremiah 29:11
-jeremiah 29:11
-anna
{girlwithblog}
PS: this isn't directed at any one person. it's more of a public service announcement: let's just be nice.
{girlwithblog}
PS: this isn't directed at any one person. it's more of a public service announcement: let's just be nice.
Sounds balanced to me! You know your limits, you see your boundaries and will make choices based on what is best for you and your family.
ReplyDeleteA small story:
When I was pregnant w our first, a co worker who is a dear friend told me two things:
"I'm praying no one will tell you horrific stories." The Lord answered because He protected me!
In a conversation about all of the above, she tucked her chin and said "No matter what anyone tells you...ANYONE..." and she put her glasses on the end of her nose and continued "YOU da mamma."
And girl....I have clung to that. That is gospel truth. :)
You are doing great! Love you :)
Oh, Anna, I LOVE this. I love your heart in it. I think becoming a mama and being entrusted with this mind-blowing gift and responsibility of nurturing a brand new baby can cause a good dose of fear and a heap of insecurity. Sadly, for many of us, we cope by becoming control freaks, measuring ourselves and our choices against others. We are desperately looking for affirmation that we're doing the right thing, and sometimes we globalize our experience into the "only way" just to normalize it for ourselves. As mamas, as in all of life, when we live from the depths of knowing how loved we are, and how little control we have - resting instead in His beautiful mercy and sovereignty - we can receive the grace we need to mother, and extend it to those around us - to the new mamas-to-be and the ones with it all figured out. We all just so desperately need grace! I'm so glad you wrote about this... it obviously struck a chord here, and I'm so excited for your journey!
ReplyDeleteHere! Here! I'm lucky enough to have not received lots of advice or what not, but I feel the exact same as you in most of the areas you mention. The way I look at it, every mom has the right to decide how to raise her kid, and personally, I think being able to say "yes, I would love to go through childbirth drug-free, but sometimes that isn't possible" or "I want to breast feed, but if I can't, I can't" is the realistic way to look at things. You'll be a great momma!
ReplyDeleteGood for you to stand up and speak what you want for you pregnancy and baby!! It's your baby that God has given YOU to take care of!! God trusted you with this baby! *Just a warning...people's opinion's can often get worse once the baby comes, but remember to DO what YOUR motherly instinct tells you! Enjoy your last few weeks...so you will have that little one to snuggle and love.
ReplyDeleteThis is such a wonderful post... only you and your husband can decide what is good for you as a couple and as a new family. Nursing is good but it is hard and for some very difficult. What you do from there is YOUR business. I do think making your own baby food is super easy and cheap my son has had three son's the youngest is age one and they have never purchased baby food other than gerber cereal. Precooking your food then using a blender is awesome, then freezing it in ice cube trays is awesome it really does work. When you want a meal pull out two meals and you are done, microwave them warm and the baby is ready to eat your 'meal' for them.
ReplyDeleteTake care God bless and hoping for a wonderfully safe delivery.
Eventually the need to defend yourself lessons and you become a mom to YOUR child first relying on what you think and not what others tell you to think. I think you are great so open-minded already because babies...well they have a mind of their own too and things don't always go as we'd hoped, but that doesn't mean they go WRONG.
ReplyDeleteI know your intentions are in the best place, but when you pulled out the phrase "who are not mommies," it stung. I've been around children for years, have known countless women who have carried and delivered and just because I *can't* doesn't exclude me from having worthwhile things to say or helpful suggestions that you might not have thought of. I realize that the pervasive sentiment is that "unless you have children, you couldn't possibly understand," but I believe that starts more wars before they even start.
ReplyDeleteAnna, you are already a GREAT Mom. The best laid plans do not work that way and every kid is different. Your instincts have already kicked in and they will continue to do so.
ReplyDeleteWhen I had my first baby I thought I knew all there was to know - after all, I read all the books and received advice from everyone! Then I had a second and realized that I knew nothing about raising kids. I only knew MY kid.
The best piece of advice I have ever received was from my Mom. She said that no matter what choice you make, there will be a book or article agreeing with you and another saying you are all wrong. That is why God gave you your Motherly Instincts. Listen to them.
I often get advice even with my teenie boppers and have found an excellent way to avoid getting my blood pressure up and hurting anyone's feelings is by saying, "Oh, I didn't think of that. I will have to try it" and then go on with my Motherly Instincts. Sometimes the advice is great and sometimes not so much, but one thing is certain - the giver and receiver of the thoughts both leave the table feeling at peace.
You will know what is right. If not, Pray about it. And know that your Instincts came from God!